Darkness was within me, it was all around me, except that is, the light of day that would flow through the thin flowing drapes of my bedroom window. Many times I thought the world was cruel. You give all of your substance to it - the parties, the night club experiences, the standards it sets for its citizens to live by and then after it has taken every thing from you, it leaves you barren and broken and then it kicks you to the curb.....The church I felt was not helping either - time and time again the experience of what I call 'church hurt' would confirm my deepest fear, that there was really no one you can trust, not even the church that's supposed to be a place for healing, hope and deliverance.
Yet I would say the most difficult things that I experienced in those days were the tears that were cried in silence and in darkness, saturating my pillow to the point of uselessness. Then there were the groans that came from the belly of my soul. It is in that secret place that you experience the harshness of a great trial that you would never dare to mention to anyone else. You wished you could but experience taught you not to.
In that place you see the ugliness of your sinful soul....not the things that were seen by the outward appearance of what the world would see, but those things deep within your soul, unseen and unknown to anyone else....well that's what I thought then until later on in my life, I found out how much God Jesus knows about us. He is Omniscient - all knowing. He is our Creator, the Architect of our frame. It is His breath that animates our body and causes it to have movement. His breath quickens our spirit and turns darkness into light. He knows every fibre of our being, the blood vessels, the tissues, every organ and the exact amounts of beat that our hearts must pulsate in order for it to keep us alive.
The questions I ask though: When was the last time you cried and you felt that no one else knew what you were going through? I understand clearly today why in times past and even today, I would still cry my tears in silence.
It is easy to mask our hurt and cry in silence. And contrary to what some may think, that crying is a sign of weakness, so rather than appear weak to other people, you run and hide and cry in silence, tears to a large extent gives you power! That's right! God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. How could that be? Well so glad you asked. As the Apostle Paul was dealing with the dreadful thorn in his flesh and no doubt crying in silence, God's calm reassurance to him was this, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness."
We may not want to add burden to our loved ones and confuse them by the tears we cry, not being able to adequately express it ourselves, we retreat to our secret place and cry. But here is another bit of the great news. You don't even have to bear that burden alone. Why? That's because Jesus is our burden bearer. He calls us out of that dreary place and says, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you.......for my yoke is easy and my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Mat.11:28-30)
There is no need to feel ashamed if and when tears roll down your cheeks. True that at times your tears are rejected. People may not understand and rather that being kind and give you cheerful and encouraging words, they are mean. Some may not believe you even after you have shared with them what you are going through. They may try to judge you and call you names such as 'cry cry baby,' 'a weakling,' or even try to say things to you such as 'you're always crying,' 'grow up,' 'toughen up,' 'get some boldness,' 'try harder,' or 'men don't cry.'
Let me assure you, it is okay to cry. God understands even when others don't. He is there all the time in all your silent cries, catching every tear you cry and honoring them. God keeps track of all our sorrows. He collects our tears into His bottle. He keeps a record in His book of them all. (Psalm 56:8) The overwhelming joy that we have is that, when we cry unto Him, then shall our enemies turn back from us: and by this we confidently know the truth, that God is for us. (Psalm 56:9)